Healing Ain't Easy, But It Can Be Done

 Namaste, Y'all,

In the past couple of weeks, I've noticed how much more centered and grounded I am compared to when I relocated back to the west coast. My healing journey has been challenging at times, but also surprisingly deeper than I thought. Working with my therapist has helped me to lean into some deeply rooted toxic emotions that I had no idea were ruling my life. Being able to face them, learn about their origins, and then root them out of my unconscious has served me well. This has led me to review my relationships with a fresh perception, and the reveal has been lackluster, to say the least. It became painfully obvious that I was truly dissatisfied with most of the so-called friendships in my life, both past and present. Coming from a disfunctional and broken family environment steeped in strict religion didn't help matters, and being the oldest male, I was handed the responsibility as co-parent, which really made me socially awkward. I was raising my siblings and other church members children, which stripped away my natural development. My mom, who was a divorced mother of four with a chronically ill child in the mix, placed me in the exact role she was raised in; I would later discover. I'm not complaining or passing blame; I'm merely stating the facts without making excuses for my history of unfulfilling relationship experiences. 

Being in therapy has helped me to activate compassion for myself, which I never did. I have spent my adulthood in a constant state of judgment and harsh self-criticism, especially when I felt threatened or faced possible abandonment by others. This mindset reached far beyond friendships; it infiltrated deep into my work environment. I clashed with others around me who also lacked development and social skills, causing massive blowups and a history of dramatic firings and walking off the job. And the sad part is that I thought this behavior was acceptable, even though emotionally painful. I had created a persona and reputation for being difficult and immature, and rightfully so. There was a period of time when I was unhirable because of the positions for which I was seeking employment. The management teams knew each other. So, I had to stay on unemployment for a while until things shifted. You'd think that I'd do some soul searching during this period, but I partied away and ignored healing my wounds. It wasn't until years later that I realized the amount of denial that had me shackled in deep depression. Taking accountability and responsibility for my actions was nowhere close to being on the table. 

It was the last partner that I broke up with 24 years ago that I finally began to focus on healing my toxic relationship streak. This relationship was epic in its self-implosion levels for me. It was my third narcissist in a row and the necessary stone cast for me to wake up and smell the burning coffee. It ushered in awareness of childhood abuses, neglecting my needs and desires to be heard and fostered, and forgiving myself for not knowing and understanding the behavior of the adults instrumental and influential in shaping my youth. To this very day, I'm still peeling away the deeply engrained layers of pain from my inner child, and it's pretty brutal, to be honest. It's definitely helped me to exercise compassion and restraint regarding others life experiences shaping their present reality. We all come from somewhere that influences our perception about the intricate mechanisms of the world and their way off. Nobody has the rule book, the exact path to success, and demanding each other to be masters and perfect is simply ignorant. Life is made up as we go, and we need to embrace this factor. It's this concept that has brought me to a place of healing long-held wounds and the bitter emotions trapped inside them. Healing myself and taking accountability for my present actions are my exclusive duties. I'm responsible for my wellbeing and establishing healthy boundaries within my relationships, be they casual or intimate. The days of flying by the seat of my pants without setting a firm and clear foundation in my unions are over. This new version of myself has caused me to lose many old friendships, and it's for the best because I no longer identify with the roles and refuse to entertain them for the others comfort. My authenticity is what I owe, not the character they've become accustomed to and expect me to fall back in line with. That persona was lost in their toxic sauce.

If you're entertaining the idea of getting a therapist, go for it. It's a great option to set you on your healing journey. Don't use it as a crutch, too. I've seen people do this, and all they're doing is buying their therapist another holiday abroad and a new condo. All they're doing is venting and ignoring the healing process, which is painful like healing is. Exercising patience and committing to the healing journey is paramount; so is the work. Invest in healing the hidden wounds and their rooted sources that still rule your present choices and keep you stuck in cycles. The only way out is to go through the process of discovering these bones burried in the darkness of your soul. Until then, you'll keep on repeating, rehashing, and regurgitating the past. Trust me when I say that the emotional freedom is only found in healing the mindset. 

Love, light, and happy healing,

Terry Perkins